Relapse

Brain Battle

A couple months ago I wrote about how I could feel depression creeping along the edges of my brain again and how I wasn’t looking forward to another episode. However, I managed to fight it completely and didn’t end up sinking into another depressive episode. 

But it’s back. 

And I’m just keeping my fingers crossed that I have the same strength to fight it off this time. I’m trying to hold on to thoughts that make me feel good - my writing, some of the wonderful people I have in my life, reading, music. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. But this time around feels more difficult to fight off than the last time. I’ve trudged through some additional chapters of my WIP. I’ve continued to read. I’m making sure I have enough water. I’ve been engaging in movement. But it’s taking its toll. It has only been about six months since the last depressive episode and I’m not prepared to deal with another one. 

I’m sorry if this post seems like an endless page of me complaining - that truly isn’t my goal here, it just helps to write out my feelings on this blog. While I do enjoy writing on paper, sometimes I’m just not in the mood for it or the complex thoughts and feelings I have are too much or too fast and I can’t get the words on paper quick enough. 

I will say though, another thing that helps me through things like this is to pretend I’m in an alternate reality and living as a character - not myself. No specific character, just an entity that’s not me. It may seem silly or stupid to some, but sometimes it’s easier to go through life as someone else. I try not to do it too much to the point where it becomes detrimental - just a little bit when things get too hard. It’s sort of like this quote from Will Herondale in Clockwork Angel (which just happens to be one of my favorite book characters!): 

“Sometimes, when I have to do something I don't want to do, I pretend I'm a character from a book. It's easier to know what they would do.” 

― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Angel 

This blog and my alternate reality are some of the strategies I employ when I feel myself getting close to the edge of depression - hopefully they, along with others, work this time as well. Fingers crossed.